Every now and then, what has come between my heart and my mind has been a few great judgments. Some people, both men and women have the notion that men can do whatever they want and they are not judged. But it is a third-rate judgment in itself. We are all chosen to do what the society tells us to. There is nothing that I hate more than the generalization, and it is a disgusting attack on a person’s individuality – this statement itself is a judgment.
I have been a Literature student, and have read something from Jean-Jacques Rousseau’s The Social Contract: “Man is born free, and everywhere he is in chains“. It is not in my power to say who is in chains of stainless steel and who is in the chain of rusting iron, because the situation is not the same everywhere. But one thing I am sure about is that I have been judged throughout my life, and I have seen the same as a perfect example of why the bloody judgment about being judged is not limited to a gender.
This calls for a flashback, and the sands of time has been reset to that period when I was going to do my thesis for MA English. I have already written about the seasons of judgment when I decided to halt my BCA and also when I started pursuing English Literature. Here is another one, as the season of judgment has been something like an eternal, hot summer. The strength of the same has never ceased to amaze me.
I have a pretty good list of judges, and there was one who came home and asked me about the thesis I was doing. It was his right to ask about the same because he hadn’t read English or any literature for such a long time. I told him that I was doing something on vampire and related culture based on a number of Gothic horror works which featured vampires, and was using some traditional beliefs to support the same.
Actually, there was absolutely no need to explain it in detail, and things got kind of worse. The doubt was like why would somebody do a thesis on vampires which are like the demons which are evil? I was surprised that there were too many people asking the same question after that. I had the extreme privilege of being not the good person that I was supposed to be, and that came out of nowhere.
With all my lecturers at college providing full support, didn’t I have the right to do thesis on whatever topic I wanted? How is it that a part of my studies determine if I was good or evil? I have had the free advice to change the topic and do something on Bard of Avon or my namesake who had enough works for a big project, and that was normal. May be if the focus was at least not on the blood-sucking, it was still better.
But I had enough of this nonsense, and I had changed too many things in my life for others. So, I decided to stay judged for this one; I had to be judged for working with blood-suckers rather than a huge tree which stood alone in the middle of a beautiful meadow or a lovely maiden who waited for her lover, and there was always the dumb fiction. The mind still said that this one won’t fetch me a high score as it was about “the vampire”, but heart told me to go on.
I didn’t score that high in the end, and the right decision was indeed to change this topic which the normal people never liked. But I didn’t want the right decision, because I wanted to be judged for making the choice. This judgment was to be my personal bliss. I finally got that, and was never happier, because I was extremely good at what I did, and despite some people not liking it, I enjoyed every bit of reading about the vampires. This is where I followed my heart, and I had chosen not to score high marks, because I study to know; I do this with all my heart to read more and more – this was a true dil ki deal! I felt good, and I felt like a vampire who inherited a lovely castle from Count Dracula.
***The two photos used in this blog post were taken on my Sony Cybershot DSC-W310 camera.