Conversion or Transformation?

Dark Eldar: No, you can’t take care of our dying. It is not fair. As the leader of all eldar kind, I prohibit the same. I have even prepared a long list of the things that I don’t allow and published it as a book. You can buy it from the book shop for three hundred and ninety nine gold coins.

Vampire Bat: What? Why? We have come all the way to the other world after going through twenty four portals of hell just to take care of these people, especially of your uncle and your grandfather.

Dark Eldar: We are the eldars, the oldest group of people in the world. We have doubts that our people will be converted from our worship of coffee to your religion of tea, which is unacceptable. May be you are terrorists too, how can we be sure as you worship something else?

Vampire Bat: You are accusing us of conversion and terrorism just because we belong to another religion?

Dark Eldar: Yes, we eldars are very much an elder race. We are so old and awesome that it amazes me.

Vampire Owl: I think he is dead.

Dark Eldar: No, don’t touch him; wait, yes you can touch him and try healing without converting. No vampire conversions here.

Vampire Bat: It is a vampire transformation. Not conversion. It is also done by biting. What is wrong with you people?

Vampire Owl: Yes, he is dead. Congratulations.

[A team of people armed with claws and swords comes in, and the eldars get their wand-guns and knives ready].

Vampire Crocodile: Is that a werewolf?

Eldars have advanced weaponry, but still your hostile neighborhood extremists.

Eldars have advanced weaponry, but they are still your hostile neighborhood extremists.

Werewolf Anger: I am the leader of Werewolf South Squadron 47. You can call me Anger.

Vampire Owl: I could have easily guessed that name. You look very angry. But are the werewolves always very angry? So I wouldn’t consider that a nice name for a werewolf standing among many werewolves. I can call you all with the name Anger.

Werewolf Anger: Forget my name. You can call me Master Tintu instead. I am here for the dead grandfather. Any questions?

Vampire Crocodile: What do they call you when you are not angry? It is unfair to call you angry when you are slightly less angry because when compared to the standard werewolf anger, that should be too less to be officially called anger.

Werewolf Anger: What? I hate these religious fundamentalists who are not of my religion. We, the worshippers of lime juice are offended by the tea and coffee drinkers. Now, any questions which are not related to my name or any type of anger?

Dark Eldar: I am not going to ask any questions. See, my dear fellow eldars; he is too stupid, like an eldar without his magic wand. He doesn’t even know that this is our dead body.

Werewolf Anger: How can you say that? No, this is our dead body.

Dark Eldar: Shut up. This is our dead body. Ours, ours, ours.

Vampire Bat: One question. Isn’t this actually the dead person’s dead body?

Vampire Crocodile: Wow! What a question. This is why I have joined the vampire team.

Dark Eldar: He is our great grandfather. How can his dead body be not ours? He is a martyr for our Great Eldar Religion.

Werewolf Anger: No, he was bitten by a werewolf last night. He was going to convert into a hybrid werewolf tonight. So, he is our dead body, and the martyr of the Legendary Werewolf Religion.

Vampire Bat: Why do you people keep using the word conversion? People transform into vampires, werewolves and even eldars.

Dark Eldar: Dude, it is the new trend. If we say conversion, things sound pretty cool.

Werewolf Anger: Your grandfather was going for a homecoming, Mr. Eldar. Accept it. He has a bloodline of werewolves through his mother’s side.

Dark Eldar: Forced conversion! He had already returned home with the “home return programme”. You bit him and tried to convert him, you religious fundamentalists of lime juice.

Werewolf Anger: He came to us and asked to convert him. This is voluntary conversion. It is you who do forcible conversions.

Dark Eldar: No, we take only those people who were always ours; its a re-conversion.

Werewolf Anger: Nonsense. We have copyright for all re-conversions in all known dimensions of the Southern Realm.

Dark Eldar: Do you remember what happened at Satyrisya?

Werewolves are always ready to pounce on others, just waiting for the right opportunity.

Werewolves are always ready to pounce on others, just waiting for the right opportunity.

Werewolf Anger: Don’t you dare to say even one word about Satyrisya.

Dark Eldar: Why? Did you receive Satyrisya as a reward for forcibly converting all the poor satyrs of the Ting-tong forests?

Vampire Bat: People with brains have the tendency to explore other religions. Intellectual people can’t stay at a point and blindly follow the ideas of just one religion and surely can’t stand its extremists who come up with hate speech. Conversion is one’s personal decision. Why are you so much bothered about it when it happens between almost all big enough religions?

Werewolf Anger: I am Anger.

Vampire Crododile: Everybody knows that already.

Werewolf Anger: I am just saying that to remind myself about it as I was brainwashed by religious fundamentalists and got some major memory problems. I am just left with one doubt – is it eating potato chips that we have banned or was it about tapioca chips? I am actually kind of hungry angry.

[A group of zombies enter through the window].

Lich Queen: Am I late? My zombie minions wanted to have ice cream on the way. I am looking for a dead grandfather.

Vampire Bat: Meet Miss Lichie, the Great Queen of the zombie underworld. They believe in ice cream and its greatness.

Vampire Owl: I have just received the text message that a group of mutants are heading this way, lead by a Professor XYZ. They are holding flags with beer cans printed on them.

Vampire Crocodile: Damn. Here we go again.

*A few parts of some dialogues were inspired by the Malayalam movie Sandhesam, the best political satire ever produced in India and the flick is also part of IBN Live’s list of greatest Indian films of all time. ***Please don’t consider this as anti-religion, but as anti-extremist concerning the haters. This is exactly how you sound like when you fight over religion – please don’t discriminate by religion and pray to God that you may be granted the wisdom to know about the same and love your fellow human beings! *The images used in this blog post are from http://hdwallpapersfactory.com/

TeNy

Theory of Relative-IT

So many years have passed since Albert Einstein came up with that theory of relativity, and even now it is thrown at us through the science fiction movies like Interstellar. Remember those theories that we hated in Physics? Well, I don’t usually remember the theories that I hate, especially belonging to Physics and Mathematics, but here is one exception, as for me, it becomes more of a theory of Philosophy than Physics.

This different thing, the new derivative is called the Theory of Relative-IT. This theory brings to light a problem rather than bringing a solution to anything. It acknowledges the trouble of the common man, the person who hasn’t studied IT, but has got many relatives in that field. The concepts introduced by the Theory of Relative-IT includes the following, but is not limited to them, and are open to further additions:

1. Measurements of various qualities of a person are dependent on the velocities of older observers. In particular, it includes the parents of those working in the IT field.

2. All other courses (not including medicine and other engineering fields) should be combined together and should be considered inferior to IT.

3. The power of IT is nonetheless beyond all comparisons, and is always the most superior thing, considered with that much respect as one would have for medicine.

The light is only for the IT, not for us (taken on my DSC W310)

The light is reserved only for the IT, not applicable for us (taken on my DSC W310)

Applications of the Theory in human life (Warning: Fictional situations and parts of my nightmares included):

Aunt no.1: Your life is wasted because you didn’t study engineering like my son. Look how well he is doing. See the girl in the neighbourhood with twenty five back papers. Even she is doing so well. After all, she is an engineer too.

And I remembered the Theory of Relative-IT, and that it was beginning to affect me like garlic on a vampire. But the silver bullets and the stake through the heart are yet to arrive. I am pretty sure that even that Oracle of Delphi could have predicted this.

Uncle no.1: You have one big fault.

I wondered what I was doing so wrong, and I thought it was going to make me a better person; but then the words of wisdom came out.

Uncle no.1 (continues): You didn’t study engineering. So you don’t have a job. It is ruining you right there. You should have studied engineering, and even if you had back papers, you would have had a job by now. My son already had two jobs in the IT field and is not at his third.

Uncle no.2: See, everyone including your cousins younger than you are now married. You should have tried engineering or medicine, and you would have been working and married by now. Why would someone study arts? It is rubbish. Do you know how ridiculous it is when the elder cousins get married before you do?

Uncle no.3: May be you should study BEd. It is your only hope now. Then, may be you can somehow get into a low class school and teach the students. But even then, you shouldn’t have taken language. Anybody can teach language. Social science is so stupid. You should have taken Mathematics, Physics, Chemistry, Zoology or Botony even in that case.

Aunt no.2: Why should he do anything now. It is quite certain that he won’t get a job now. He will simply waste his time, thats all he can do with a Masters in English. He should do some business instead. If he was any good, he would have gone for engineering or medicine. He doesn’t even have an MBA. Everyone has an MBA. What is it that he can do that engineers can’t?

Uncle no.4: How can we blame him though? We are all just average and below average people in intellect. It is a great achievement that we have engineers in our family. Nobody thought that it was possible. He will never get a job, and will remain just another post-graduate of no use. I think we should live with it and concentrate on getting our engineers married to high families so that we will have good connections with big, respected, rich families.

Aunt no.3: This is exactly what we should do. Lets put the profiles of our engineers in the matrimony websites and get them married. After all, only engineers are worthy people. Who cares about the rest. Look at these people studying B.Com, BSW and BBA – whats the point? Lets make sure that the families that we find also have enough people in the IT field. A certain number of doctors will also be nice. It doesn’t matter if they are good or bad, no problem if they are anti-social; they just need to be of these fields.

It is illuminated life for everyone except me (taken on my DSC W310)

It is a sample of illuminated life for everyone except me (taken on my DSC W310)

Dad: There are so many people in the IT field that I know. I am proud of all of them. They are so awesome. They are so brilliant. I should go to their houses and congratulate them every-time they come home. They should be given the hero’s welcome every time they arrive at the railway station. They are the only intelligent people in our family because they belong to the IT field. Why would anybody study anything else?

This is indeed why Suarez bites people. This is also why aliens won’t talk to us. This means we are no longer the favourites of the Divine One. This is also a reason for Uncle Dracula not to retire from his biting business. My prayer to God these days is this: “Never provide a good person who takes a graduation in the arts subjects with a relative who is in the IT field”. The relative-IT is a dangerous and terrible situation. It is disappointing and makes you hopeless. It makes you not want to live life like you should. It is like putting ice in a fire-breathing dragon’s mouth. I wonder what would Albert Einstein say about this Theory of Relative-IT.

TeNy