Most honourable Lady Death,
This mail is not really meant for you, but for your evil twin sister. But as I don’t know her name or e-mail adress, I am sending it to your eternally cool and stylish mail inbox. I have seen her only once, and it was during your dance of death with the nymphs of the abyss which was unleashed after the last Vampire-Draconian War for the Isle of Death. I have to tell you that I have never seen someone so beautifully evil ever before. She was stunning in that black dress (even though all of you always wear black and your fashion is permanent).
I can’t spend much time to boast about your great courage to take on the Devil himself or on your help in closing the portal to the world, because right now, I am infatuated with your twin sister. With all due respect to your hellspawn pets and the weapons of integral darkness, I would like to wait not for you, but for her. But she is nothing but a reflection of yourself, except for the mark on the left cheek. I am writing this mail so that she can know when and how she can come and meet me as I take my opportunities to die.
As you already know, I am pretty much close to immortality right now, and we even have control of the Fountain of Youth as of now. So it is not going to be easy especially with the peace pact has been signed between most of the states here. But I have never been so dazzled by a beauty of death as your sister. She has that darkness in her that dazzles like the light of life which has sparkled into our vampire visions from the moon of Saturn, Titan. She is already my bliss, and I have my plans about death.
1. The Date with the Spikes: I am planning my first date with her over the spikes of protection which has been laid all around the Great Vampire Castle. It is self-retracting, and so none of you might have seen it yet. No, the land around a vampire castle can never be plain ground meant for little vampires to play cricket – you should have guessed that. I shall stand on the top of the tower with a cup of tea and wait for the arrival of your evil twin sister. Then we will go down to the spikes and have an awesome first date. Uncle Dracula is a popular impaler, and so he will like it better than any other methods. Yes, they are made of silver!
2. Happy Dinner in Space: Most of you might have heard about us developing an inter-planetary teleportation which works only three out of ten times, and I keep volunteering for the same. So there is a good chance for spending some time in the space without air, and she can join me there. The teleportation might occur somewhere near one of those larger planets, and so you can ask her to stay near Jupiter or Saturn. I have known that the space is a beautiful place, and with the next teleportation failure, I might be united with her. You should just keep the death minions with yourself. Death at Ganymede – it is nice, isn’t it? Jupiter won’t mind.
3. Duel with a Werewolf: They have been very angry these days, and have been naming their songs and daughters as Anger. Now they have the last born as Anger 9519 after this model of naming began. They have been carrying these with them, and I am hoping to get into the arena with one of them and die a valiant death. Werewolves are surely looking for some vampire heads these days. They do get a lot of different heads to separate from the bodies, but vampires haven’t been their favourite, especially with their Eastern clans of the dreadful wolves.
4. Checking the Testing Grounds: For years, the testing grounds have seen more dead vampires than anybody else. Usually, only the purest of evil are chosen for the same so that they could be done with, but one can also volunteer. Only two vampires have survived the grounds so far, and they now live at the Isles of Death. I believe that you have established good connections with them already. These grounds see a lot of deaths every year, and your evil twin will find it easy there, collecting souls without much difficulties, and after the job is done, I shall accompany her to your lands.
Warm vampire regards,
The Vampire Bat
[Sent from my V(ampire)-Phone]